Imaginary Number
by I'm Not My Own Person Anymore
Summary: She was the formula. He was the imaginary number. The undefined "i" in her equation. And with every red sharpie mark she makes, she dies a little inside. But every time she walks down those desolate halls with her books in hand, he learns how to live a little bit more. "You're beautiful Ally. And one day, when you least expect it, it'll hit you: what I've seen all these years." AU
1. To be Ally

Chapter 1: To be Ally

Ally walked through the halls, ponytail swinging from left to right, on her way to Math class. The senior was in Calculus C, and advanced math class for her school. It was a class full of juniors and seniors in college, seeing as it was a distance delivery class. She made eye contact with the people racing through the halls, the passing periods only three minutes compared to last year's five. There was already and epidemic of tardies. No one could make it from one end of the building, to their lockers, and then back across the building with all their books and folders and binders along with the required student handbook.

Ally smiled when she saw a familiar blonde pressed against a locker with a female pressed against him. How he did that and still made it to class on time with the barbaric passing periods was beyond her. But, nonetheless, she remained invisible to him, too scared to actually talk to the boy that she had gone to school with since she was seven.

Ally reached the classroom and sat at her usual table. All alone, but in the middle of everything. It was the only place where every place in room could be seen. She always faced the windows, relying on the bulletproof and locked door to protect that side.

She arranged her books in order of what she would need as the class went on as she waited for the bell to ring. When it did, the Television in front of her switched on, and just like that, she was immersed into the world of college math.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, but she didn't take it out, always adhering to the no cell phone policy even when nobody was watching. Whatever it was could wait. If it was urgent, there was a land line that she could be reached at on the far wall.

The thick Russian accent of her college professor rung out and she immediately clicked her bright pink pen open, and started in on her notes, periodically switching to a pencil when needed.

* * *

As the bell rang, Ally did her best to gather everything up in a timely manner, of course not succeeding, before racing out of there, needed to reach the other side of the school for her orchestra class. Shoving her books into her locker, she slammed it shut and started off.

But, then she sighed and turned back, reaching out to her locker to slam it shut again and pressing her body strategically across it to evenly distribute her weight along the three key locking parts. Since she was a freshman, she had always had a dud of a locker. It had never failed her. Like clockwork, three weeks in, when locker changes were no longer allowed, it would start. First, it wouldn't open and she would have to smash her palm into the combination lock about three time. Then, on of the hinges would break off and she would have to pay for them. After that, the handle to open it would fall off. She would have to pay for that about seven times before she was finally not allowed to have it replaced. Then, to top it all off, it wouldn't close unless all of her weight was pressed slowly and firmly into the lock side of it. The first time it had happened, she had gotten three hours of detention for her many, many tardies. She had figured out the system.

She sped-walked off, racing against the passing period to make it to class.

* * *

He always got on the bus at 2:21, exactly one minute after it was supposed to pull out of the lot. The driver would wait, and the minute he was on, the bus would be moving. It didn't matter if Ally, or anyone else was running and screaming towards the bus trying to get it to wait ten more seconds so they could make it, as long as that boy was on, the driver was content to leave everyone else.

Ally always sat in the emergency exit, three seat behind _him._ People teased her that she liked him and the only thing she could wonder is if people really did that. Did people really want to stare at his cowlick that badly? No, the real reason was so if the bus rolled, or caught on fire, she would have a way out, so long as it didn't roll onto her side.

Pushing her ear buds into her ears, she watched as his head drooped down. He was probably sleeping.

Weaving throughout the Air force base housing, they finally reached the gate. The bus slid back and forth on its wheels, spinning on the ice. She sighed and looked out the window.

It felt like she had done a lot of sighing lately. Passed the gate they went and to the left to their little town with no High School in it. They drove down, parallel to the flight line, and she watched as a fight jet did practice runs on the ice. She wondered about the heating systems in the jets. Were they very good?

She glance to her left after the flight line and some time had passed. Mile marker 398. Her road would be coming up soon, and with this ice the driver should be braking already. She saw her road come into view and still no brakes. Knowing what was coming, she braced herself. They reached the row of mailboxes right before her road when the driver slammed on the brakes. Sliding over 100 yards past her and the next kid's roads.  
There was a collective sigh of three people as they slammed hats on their head and gloves on their hands. The three of them got up and trudged of the bus. The one crossed the highway and was home free. Ally and _him_ walked up the road, panting, her glasses fogging, his converse slipping. It wasn't that cold by any means, but the ice was death incarnate. The shoulder of the road they stumbled down used to be a large source of amusement. But now, both walking on opposite sides and turning after making it the treacherous 100 yards, they went their separate ways, her turning down her long road, and him walking down his driveway.

She looked down her road, taking a mental picture of the trees bending from the crystal weight of the snow, creating a movie like canopy over her head. The chickadees flitting about, causing little fleeting moments of blindness as the snow fell in front of her.

It didn't matter that she had lived here her entire life. It was beautiful. Breath-taking.

It was home.

* * *

She opened the snow covered grill that took up a large portion of her sidewalk. There, inside, was her key to the house. She grabbed it, ignoring the black goo that leached onto her gloves, and bounded up onto the porch. She opened the screen door and unlocked the big one.

She opened it and walked into the kitchen, with pink walls and Crayola painted floor. The stainless steel fridge and stove had stains, and the tables were in an utter state of disrepair. Walking passed them and into the dining room, which really was the same room, only separated by a sloppy line where the paint changed from pink to and awful orange that her mother had picked out. Placing her key on the table she glanced about. There was no sign of life. Her mother must not be up yet. The clock read 3:07.

She kept her bag slung over her shoulder as she discarded her boots and gloves. Her hat stayed. Her glasses came off and she preceded to defog them on the inside of her t-shirt. She walked through the living room, which was once again only separated by a sloppy line back to pink, down a little narrow hallway halfway down until she reached a thick, metal, outside style door. Opening it, she was greeted by her mess. Clothes strewn about, bed covered in dog hair. At that thought, her ear perked. Her dog hadn't been at the door. She tossed her bag on her bad and walked out of her room, whistling lowly.

"Quickly," she whispered yelled, walking further into the cave of a house towards her mother's room. She glanced in, thinking maybe he was asleep with her. But alas, he was not. She walked further still, reaching their back door, which was cracked open.

She sighed in relief, called his name out the door and hearing his bounding barks come towards her. He leaped up waiting for her to pet him, but instead she urged him inside, closing the door as soon as his tail was out of smashing range.

"Come on, boy."

They walked to her room, where she closed the door, and popped a VHS tape into her VCR. The _Mulan_ opening sequence song began to play. She settled down on her dog hair covered bed, opened her bag a grabbed for her Government/Econ book, but, just like her good luck, it seemed to be nowhere in sight. She sighed. Again.

Glancing at her phone, it read 3:09.

 _Has it really only been two minutes?_

* * *

She put the finishing touch on her analysis of the last paragraph of the book _Things Fall Apart_ as the front door opened and closed, shaking her room. It had always done that. If the front door was opened or shut, or heck, leaned on, she knew. Her glass of water shook rapidly then calmed down to an even ripple. She pressed save on her computer and stood up, stretching and doing her impression of a back bend.

It was then that she saw her reflection.

Like always when this happened, she straightened up and stood in front of it. She looked at the distinct "roll" on her sides. Turning to give a profile view to the mirror, she lifted her shirt in the back slightly, dropping it again once she saw the ever present fat induced stretch marks. She adjusted her shirt and sucked in, thinking, "That is what I would look like if I was skinny."

She breathed in deeply and reached out to the top of the cheap mirror from Walmart and grabbed the dark red sharpie from atop it. She brought the tip onto the reflective surface of the mirror and made a tally mark, next to the other six hundred and thirty seven of them.

Ally put the sharpie back and straightened. She turned the doorknob and threw her weight back to open it. It only slid a little bit. One more time and it was open.

"How was your day," her dad asked when she made it to the living room.

The corners of her lips lifted the tiniest amount as she shrugged. "Fine."

He nodded and went on his way, leaving her alone again. Sucking in through her nose sharply and running her fingers through her shoulder length brown hair was all she did in response to him leaving.

Besides, tomorrow is a new day, right?

* * *

Ally walked through the halls, ponytail swinging from side to side, violin case and music in hand, on her way to Orchestra. People always say music is their escape.

It wasn't hers.

No. Her escape was playing the music. Listening was too easy. Sure, it would drown stuff out, but playing? Bringing that bow back and forth with her fingers flying across the fingerboard? That was her escape. A place where she wasn't expected to speak. A place where her little wood instrument spoke for her.

She reached the doors about twelve and half seconds before the bell rang. She sat down in her chair, which was the first one in the violin section, signifying her status as the most experienced. She didn't like to use the word better. Because what would she really be better at?

Escaping? Hiding? Retracting into her shell? No, she wasn't better than anyone. She was simply more open to letting the music, not her fingers, do the work of the notes and rhythms. The teacher, Ms. Pearson, raised her hands in a silencing motion.

After being instructed to tune and rosin up, the class of about 17 students quieted down and got to work. There were sounds of strings popping and snapping all around her, and the squeaky nails on chalkboard sound of kids pressing the rosin too firmly on their bow. They were all new at this. At the beginning of the year, they couldn't tune their own instruments, so it definitely was an improvement. Ally tuned her own violin, and then went about running around like a mad woman, tuning violins and violas for kids who were still having trouble. It wasn't easy to keep her patience, but she managed. She had replaced three broken strings by the time she was done because the kids turned to harshly on the tuning pegs, unraveling the delicate metal twirled string.

She grabbed her instrument, which had been hanging off of her stand in a fashion she encouraged no one to try, seeing as stands were very unreliable and could flip over and drop the instrument at the movement of a butterfly a thousand miles away, and sat in her chair, huffing out of breath from running around so much.

Ms. Pearson raised her hands and they all got ready to compete with a dying zebra for the worst noise they could think of.

Also known as playing.

* * *

At precisely 2:21, he got on the bus. She already had her nose in a book, trying to get as much in before the bus started moving, for she got car sickness.

A lot of, "Hey, bro," and "Sup, Bruh," happened before he made it to his seat.

She glanced up at his cowlick.

She really did envy him. The whole school loved him. She swore that the staff was planning an assembly for his birthday. She remembered Valentine's Day sophomore year. He had opened his locker and candies and chocolates and notes spilled out across the hall and littered the floor in front of her locker, which was parallel to his. On Christmas of the next year, when the whole school had been assigned a secret Santa, they all chose to only secret Santa him. Ally had actually been assigned him, and low and behold, it was pointless.

Ally knew she gave off and air of antisocial and "leave me alone," but she didn't mean to.

It just came so naturally to _him_.

* * *

Ally watched her road fly by and felt the brakes slam on. Breathing out heavy, she braced herself on the back of the seat in front of her. She stood up when the bus came to a halt, even further than yesterday from her house. She walked off, on her heels. And just like always, and soon as the bus left, he crossed the road, as if to say he was too repulsed by her to even walk near her. It didn't really faze her anymore though. She was used to those looks.

She had worn stupid shoes today though. She knew where she lived, and that it was icy. And yet, in her moment of, "I kinda wanna look nice today," she had worn five inch wedges. She loved them. They were comfortable and easy to walk in, but not on ice.

She decided she had to choose between her back or her dignity. She chose her back. She stuck her arms out straight and bent at the waist slightly and began walking steadily.

 _This could work!_

As one who live around ice, one should learn that there are always little divots in the ice. Little cracks and dent where a heel or wedge would slide oh so perfectly forward leaving one center of gravity unbalance and too far backwards.

Her butt hit the ice so hard she felt it in her neck. Seventeen and a half years and this was where she had landed herself. Literally.

She just laid back, giving up and heaving a sigh, letting the stinging in her neck subside slowly. She heard a car wiz pass her and felt she should probably get up. Before she could, she felt two large hands wrap themselves around her arm. She felt a heave on her arm and she was ripped halfway up where she then straightened her knees, internally dying that even he, Mr. Football and wrestling state champion, couldn't lift her like she had seen him do for other girls.

Her mortification didn't seem to faze him as he checked her over, lifting her loose ponytail up and running a finger across her hairline on the back of her head. He checked her ears and nose, then started in on her spine when she finally jumped away, partially from the pain of where he had touched, and partially because it made her uncomfortable that he hadn't even asked to touch her, or even spoken for that matter.

"I'm fine." Her flat voice surprised even herself. When she did open her mouth, she generally tried her best to be somewhat cheerful.

He opened his mouth slightly, then shut it and nodded, before backing away slowly. "Sorry. It looked like you fell hard. Just making sure."

"Thanks." She started off, not bothering to balance her arms, her legs seemed to magically bend with the curves of the ice, walking more gracefully than she had ever before.

Even though she knew she equaled that of an apple in figure, she felt sexy at that moment. Her hips swaying and legs working with the wedges to evenly walk down the road.

She almost forgot that he was behind her. "Ally." It was an almost scolding tone. One a mother would use on a child who was caught sneaking cookies.

"Yes." She kept walking. More like strutting.

He sighed. "Please let me have a look. Make sure nothing is too bruised?"

She kept going, and felt the dread as her heel slipped again. This time he was to her side before she hit the ground and he managed to catch her awkwardly under her arms. He lifted her up again, with the help of an awkward forward body roll on her part.

She made it up and tried to break away from him and then slipped again, this time slamming down on her side, her temple hitting the ice.

She groaned in pain.

"Why do you have to be so goddamn stubborn," she heard as his hand wrapped around her right hand and left elbow. He pulled her up again.

She felt blood rush from her head and the world spun. He had six faces.

This was ridiculous. She started to pull away again, but his grip held firm, keeping her upright. "Let's get you home, eh?"

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and wrapped one of her arms around his torso. If she wasn't in pain, she would have commented on its ab definition. But she was in pain. So she didn't.

They made it to their split in roads. She expected him to turn onto his and let her fend for herself, but he continued on with her.

They made it to her mailbox, which it was still another minute to her house from there, and she let go of him to get the mail. The pain seared through her lower back and her head.

But she held her head high and her back straight as she turned. "Thank you for your help. I can make it from here."

He just huffed loudly and irritably took a step back. "Then walk. Prove you're not in pain right now and I'll leave you alone."

 _Shit._ She silently cursed. Turning her face and body away so he couldn't see her expression, she walked, not letting the spasms in her back cause her to double over. "See?"

She kept going, hopping he wouldn't see the tiny flinches as she walked.

"Yeah, I see perfectly." She heard the clicks of his boots on the ice as he walked up behind her. "Come on. Let's get you home."

"I'm fine!" she yelled, swatting his hand away. He grabbed her wrist in his large hand.

"Ally Dawson, so help me homework, if you don't let me help you I will call your father."

"Gosh, you sound like my mother." He lifted his eyebrow at her. "And 'so help me homework?'"

His cheeks were dusted with a light pink color and his eye lashes had collected a few ice crystals, complimenting his icy blue irises. "It's cold out. Get moving!"

She laughed. As in, Ally laughed out loud. She never laughed out loud. Only when a funny joke really deserved it. But this wasn't her hysterical dying zebra laughter she usually exhibited. It was a soft giggle that only pretty girls with a good figure and pom poms in their hands knew how to do. Well, at least it sounded like she was attempting that.

He smirked. He had the audacity to smirk at her.

She rolled her eyes a held out her arm to wrap it around him. When he didn't move, she shook it a bit. He still didn't help. "Are you going to help me or not."

His eyes snapped up and widened before he jumped to help her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She concentrated on walking steadily on the glassy ice she was walking on. His grip on her would tighten as they came on to slippery parts, and loosen when they walked through slush rut from tires on car driving through it all day.

 **Alright y'all. For anyone who is following me, y'all've probably seen the similarities between this story and "It started when I noticed that everyone has red eyes." And that is because I didn't like the direction that one took. This is a story that is based off of that one and if you came from my other stories, specifically the aforementioned one, you will see the similarities.**

 **I know that I have a slew of unfinished stories and I am working on all of them, slowly but surely. Can't promise a date because I am currently a fifteen year old sophomore in high school that has an after school job. "Moving mountains" will be my top priority right after this one. Btw, this story is also on Wattpad, but under different character names, although I wrote it for Austin and Ally specifically.**

 **There will be a lot of chapters about her weight, as you might have guessed, but this story is going to be based on my journey through my weight (obviously not the Austin part :.( ) and I personally think it is a story worth telling.**

 **If y'all have any questions let me know. This is going to be hard to write because I am going to try and stay true to what happened with me, minus the romance.**

 **Feel free to leave your opinion. Diversity in opinions are what make them powerful.**


	2. To be at Absolute Zero

At 7:04 AM, he swung on the bus with a big grin on his face. He took his dear sweet time finding his seat three in front of her.

They had sat there, on the highway, for a good two minutes, waiting for him so show up. As he sat down, the many cars backed up behind the bus started honking. She had been on time, early even. And if it had been her that wasn't out there, there wouldn't have been a second though as to whether or not to leave her behind. She could be waving her arms like a madman, flashing a light at the bus driver to get him to see her, but he always would act like he didn't.

She rolled her eyes and looked down at her book. She read about two words before the bus jolted to a jerky start and the inside lights flashed off. She looked up at the sky, silently asking, _why me?_

Generally, Ally would pull out her phone and use it as a light, but the events of the day before had left her screen mangled beyond repair. _Damn the ice and all its forms._ And then she blushed, embarrassed just thinking about the happenings.

Ally, dejected and upset, resigned herself to leaning her head on the gray seat behind her and watching his cowlick stay perfectly still. He was asleep. He always slept in the mornings, relying on the screeching brakes when the bus driver reached the school to wake him up. And it always worked.

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The brakes squealed and everyone was thrown forward and then back again. _This idiot doesn't know the brake from the gas, does he?_

The doors slid open and kids and teenagers alike ploughed off like cattle, trudging their feet as if they had the weight of the world on their shoulders. The school building was but forty feet away. Regardless, she understood that feeling.

She was the last one off, as always waiting till the end to get off because kids wouldn't let her into the aisle. She walk up the aisle three seat and saw his blond head slumped forward. She froze. This could go one of three ways. She could keep walking and pretend she didn't see him. But, no, that wouldn't work because at this point the bus driver was glaring at her, silently urging her to get off his bus. She could wake him up and be on her way, or she could wake him and he would be mad. _But school…_

She reached out and poked his shoulder. When that didn't work, she tapped her foot against his boots. Still nothing. She sighed.

"Austin?" She whispered leaning around him to try and see if the was any movement that indicated life. "Wake up, we are at school!" He started at the sound of her voice and jerked forward opening his eyes right before he head butted her right in her nose. "Ah!" Of all the things she had done, Ally had never whimpered before. But now, she didn't question the action, or her dignity, and her hand covered her nose holding it there as if it were about to fall off.

His hand came up to her face, her eyes being closed, and encompassed her hands in his, prying them of her face to get a better look. "Alls, if you get hurt around me again, I'm gonna have to start thinking you just want my attention." She snorted, not thinking.

It cause a whole new level of pain. She started choking on a thick substance running down her throat. It felt like the mucus film you get when you are really sick, but thicker and almost metallic.

 _Blood._

She started to panic, ignoring his hand on her, and started coughing. She couldn't think, couldn't breathe. She felt his hands leave hers and initially thought he had left her to suffer. But instead his hand grabbed her cheeks and turned her head towards him. She met his eyes, which were filled with concentration.

"Ally." _Can I die from this?_ "Ally." His voice was like liquid, flowing through her brain like a water fall of nothingness. "Ally, you're fine. Your nose is bleeding, but you are fine. Open your mouth and breathe."

She coughed once and opened her mouth, looking in his eyes the entire time. She breathed in deeply through her mouth. The corners of his lips tipped up a bit into a smirk.

 _Asshole._

She felt the blood trickle down her face and into her open mouth. Before she could react to it, his arm came up and he used the sleeve to his favorite sweatshirt that was of some sports team. She flinched not wanting to get it bloody. But he held firm, holding it up and examining her face.

"I think it is broken." Ally had never broken something before. Not until this moment. Damn that stupid bus driver and her conscience. If she had just left him…

"I don't like blood." She muttered.

He smiled, wiping her lip again. "Nobody does."

Her eyebrows raised. "You know that Paige girl-."

"Shut up," he said, blushing. He had dated Paige for about a week one time before he realized what a freak she was. She told him that when she saw blood, she wanted to drink it. He broke up with her that day.

"Ally Dawson, are you going to get off my bus?"

All she could do was sigh and ignore the fact that the bastard of a bus driver didn't say anything about the other student sitting on his bus.

"Yes sir."

She pushed his now sticky blood covered sweatshirt away from her face and stood up, gathering her things and stepping down out of the bus. He was quick to follow. "I'll wash that, if you want. I wouldn't want you to have to deal with that." She gestured to his arm.

She pretended not to notice the faint pink dusting his ears and lower neck, telling herself it was a trick of the light. "It's fine. I'm the one who bloodied up your nose." His brow furrowed. "Speaking of, why didn't driver what's his name say anything?"

She resisted the urge to snort again, having learned her lesson. "Because my name isn't Austin."

He ignored her and kept on talking. "You need to go to the nurse. Oh are you bleeding again?" She felt his other sleeve wipe at her face and she swatted it away.

"I'm not four you know."

They reached the doors and she grabbed the handle before he could and slipped through, heading straight for her locker, nose in her jacket, despite his instructions to go to the nurse. She put in her combination, almost screaming when it wouldn't open. Not knowing exactly why she was so frustrated, she threw her backpack down on the ground and stormed off to the bathroom. Ripping paper towels out of the dispenser, she pressed them to her nose and yelped. _I didn't hurt when he did it._ She looked at her nose in the mirror and winced at the awkward warped way her nose was bent. It was blue and black, spreading out across out onto her cheeks.

She poked it, wincing again. _Who the hell thought that was a good idea?_

Blood started running into her mouth and she couldn't help but think of the beginning of every horror movie. Something unsuspecting happens and then BOOM everybody dies.

She thought back to the brief lessons from the fifth grade on first aid. _I need to tip my head back, right?_ She trusted her instincts and tipped it back slightly, breathing through her mouth. But stopped when she felt the thick rolling liquid seep into her throat.

Convinced she was not remember something, she heaved another sigh and stomped back out of the bathrooms, passed her locker and backpack, which was still on the floor, with a paper towel to her nose. Down the hallway, to the right, to the left, to the right again, and one more left and she was in the nurses office. She watched the floor, counting the blue tiles amongst the red and white. _What an awful color scheme._

"What's up sweetie?" The sickeningly strong smell of the nurses perfume traveled up her nostrils and into the part of her brain that what already not functioning properly.

 _Um, do you not see the bloody paper beneath my nose?_

"I have a bloody nose and I don't know what to do." The sarcasm that leaked into her voice was purely accidental.

The nurse's smile faded slightly and Ally assumed it was because she realized she would actually have to work. "Well of course you do. Anyone who ever participated in P.E. should know what to do."

 _Ouch. I just got fat shamed by a teacher._

"I must have forgotten." Ally's voice remained steady, though she felt like curling into a ball and crying.

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Ally walked through the halls, ponytail swinging from side the side, on her way to English with her copy of Pride & Prejudice clutched tightly to her side. She couldn't ignore the tape that was haphazardly placed of her nose. The nurse decided it wasn't broken and gave her ibuprofen when her nose stopped bleeding on its own.

Ally's backpack had been in front of her locker when she had gotten back from the nurse, who was cold on all degrees.

Shaking her head with a light smile, her eyes caught sight of him leaning against a locker, and different female specimen trapped in place by his gaze, his fingers slowly working through her long blonde hair. It was always blonde. Always they had blue eyes. Always they were stick thin and tall, with legs that went on and on and lean arms that had muscles under the thin lair of paper white skin.

Ally had never before compared herself to the girls he was seducing, but in that moment, she took in her own skin color. It was darker than that of the girl pressed into the locker. Her Mexican mother had given her a coloring that she always had appreciated. She didn't look tan. Instead, she always looked like she glowed. Or so she had been told.

Ally started to morph in her own mind. Her arms became lean and her stomach flat. Her breasts shrunk down to a reasonable and manageable size. Her legs grew long, and her hair became blonde and her skin the color of the girl pressed on the locker. Tilting her head back at them she noted that she didn't like the way she looked when she did that.

Blonde hair looked rather silly on her anyways.

* * *

At 2:21, she ran out the doors of the school, racing to reach the bus. Her eyes connected with his feet as the stepped on the bus.

 _Shit_.

She ran even harder, making it just as the doors closed. She knocked on them, hoping the bus driver would respond. Instead, she watched as he put the bus in gear, and drove off.

She didn't miss his sneer either.

Ally stood there for a good ten minutes, wondering what she was going to do. She was watching the school, praying that it opened up and eat her, sucking her into the underworld where she might be able to find a real place of solitude.

 _Don't be ridiculous._

Her fingertips started to tingle, her nose stinging with invisible ice. It was rather cold outside, the white snowflakes littering the ground and trees around her. Not even really snowflakes. There were banks of snow, covering every inch of the world around her.

She sometimes wondered what it would be like to be a snowflake. Was every snowflake also a raindrop in the summer? Was the fact that every single one is different because that is the only way they can show their personalities?

Ally shook her head and turned around. She walked back into the school, wondering how on earth she was going to get home.

* * *

Her answer came in the form of a text from a number she knew by heart. "Need me to pick you up?"

She smiled and texted back, "If you don't mind."

"Be there in five."

She could almost hear his voice on the other side. Sarcastic and loving.

She walked to the front doors, painfully aware of her nose and the questions that were about to ensue.

The lime green canvas top jeep pulled up exactly ten minutes later.

Smiling, she walked out the doors, snow begging to fall from the sky so that the clouds could have a break from holding all that weight. They must be tired holding all that snow and water.

The sky was grey, almost the color of her thoughts. She imagined that her thoughts were all dark, with wisps of green shooting through at lightning speeds. Each different shade and hue represented a different emotion she was feeling at every moment. The green was for times like these. It was for times that the stupid jeep she was approaching was in sight.

She opened the door with a huge grin, feeling ten again.

"Hey squirt."

She rolled her eyes as she climbed in. He was such a brat sometimes.

"Hey!" She reached over the center console and hugged him tight around the torso, shoving her head into her shoulder. "How'd you know I needed a ride?"

"Austin texted me." He pushed her away, and pointed at her seat belt. "He said that he saw you running for the bus, but didn't make it."

 _Didn't make it my ass._ "Ah. Okay. Thank him for me?"

She clicked her seat belt into place and looked up just in time to see his glare. "What?"

"You ride the bus with him every day. He is a two minute walk away from the house. His locker is right down the hall from yours."

"And? Your point is?"

"Do it yourself, Butt face."

Ally smiled at her the mean name he called her. Shaking her head with a large smile she leaned into the seat.

Dustin pushed his foot into the gas and they were off to home, weaving through the houses of military personal.

Ally lived in a small town outside another small town that was just outside a slightly larger town. Her small town had no high school. She had attended their elementary school from the time that she was in kindergarten, to 6th grade. Then, because it was the closest one, she and all the other kids from her hometown, attended Stimerelan Jr. /Sr. high school on the Airforce base near her home.

They drove through the gate and drove down the highway to home. Well, _her_ home.

Dustin was in the Air National Guard. He would deploy and come back, over and over again. She wasn't able to keep track of her beloved brother.

Dustin was the exact opposite of her. Where she had her mother's dark brown hair, he had their uncles red hair. Their skin was similar in color, his darkness was emphasized by that extraordinary hair of his hair. He was lean naturally, always eating. But, he was a guy, and he lived to exercise and keep fit.

"So what happened to that elephant nose of yours? It looks like you painted it."

Her lips quirked. "Austin happened."

Dustin's eyes flashed over to her in surprise. "What?"

"He head butted my face. Although as much as I would like to blame him, he was asleep."

A smirk and raised eyebrows was her brother's response.

* * *

They pulled into the driveway and were met with the sight of Austin, sitting on the porch, shivering and looking at his phone. When he saw the jeep, he jumped up with a huge smile on his face.

Dustin quickly got out of the car and they preforms the ancient act of "bro-hugging." Ally was convince that had she not been there, they would have jumped up and down squealing. She slid down in her seat till her head was hidden by the dash board.

 _Damn, this car is dusty._

Her heart sunk when her door was ripped open by one of them and she was pried out of the car, despite her holding on to whatever she could grasp.

"Come one Ally, let go inside." So it was Dustin that dragged her out. Figures. Austin usually ignored her when she was by herself, let alone he Dustin was there.

"Dez, what're you waiting for!"

The infuriating nickname for her brother slipped out of Austin's lips.

Austin's lips were turning a dark purple color.

"How long have you been sitting there?" The question left her before she could stop it. Besides, what right did he have to try and take her brother from her when it was the first time she had seen him in a month, seeing as he had been down in Nebraska for an exercise?

He shrugged. "Since I texted him."

Ally rolled her eyes. At least thirty minutes, if not longer. Idiot.

She nodded. She sensed that it was time to take her leave of absence. With a slight wave of her hand, she brushed past Austin and made her way to the grill, opening it and grabbing the house key, pretending that it didn't bother her that she now had black goop on her fingers.

She was about to take a step up to the porch, which had rotted planks of wood that would fall out and crumble at random, when Austin large and warm hand closed around her wrist.

She turned around in confusion. As soon as her face was in view, though, she understood what he was doing. His finger raised up to her nose and ran it down its full length. "You're all black and blue." His voice was soft, but not as soft as the unbelievably tickle of a touch on her sore nose. With every section of her nose he touched, a soothing feeling ran through it, as if he had a healing touch. A whisper in time, trapped in her memory. Just for her.

Her breath came out in short puff, the white fog emerging from her mouth made her feel like part of a movie roll. And yet nobody yelled 'cut.'

He help her eyes in an exhilarating gaze. Dustin disappeared, and it was only him and the snow. The clouds must have approved because a tunnel of snow engulfed them. This was the part where the guy realizes how much he loves the girl and want to tell her, but she is so beautiful he can do nothing but stare. Her eyes closed and opened again, pulling her out of movie land. Shaking her head, she turned around, leaving Austin there on the sidewalk in the snow.

The unlocked the door and walked inside. She closed the door and leaned on it. It was just eye contact.

But it was so much more than that, wasn't it?

She rolled her eyes at herself. Overreacting was one of her specialties.

She dropped her bag down on the ground and went to the sink to pour a glass of water. A smile reached her lips when she saw a dirty plate and fork in the sink.

 _Mom has been up._

She heard the frantic scrapping of nails on the linoleum living room floor and turned to greet her dog. He jumped on his hind legs to get closer to her, and so she gave in and knelt in front of him. "Hey bud." She scratched and scratched, her dog seemingly never satisfied.

"Come on!" She grabbed her bag and walked to her room, careful to be quiet when she heard the quiet huffs of breath coming from her mother's room. She leaned on her door to close it and turned around, taking in her messy room.

Messy. Not dirty.

Quickly's large, and slightly misplaced, eyes watched Ally's every move. One step forward and Ally was in front of her mirror. The surface distorted her image, having to reflect through all of the sharpie marks. But this time, Ally didn't suck in. She leaned down to inspect her face.

It was round, red, and her nose purple nose was covered in black heads that she couldn't seem to get rid of. Today she didn't feel fat.

She felt downright ugly. Furrowing her misshapen eyebrows, she stood up and looked around. Her eyes landed on a green sharpie on her floor.

With a shaking hand and closed eyes, she grabbed it, hating herself for what she was about to do.

Green sharpie is never a pretty color. It always looks like someone ate some bad fast food and food coloring.

But when it spread onto her mirror, it was the ugliest shade of green she had ever seen.

* * *

She had spent the last two hours in her room, counting the seconds till Austin left so that she could have Dustin to herself. But the laughter was continuous. She was praying that her mother didn't wake up, but it was a silly idea. And even if she did, she wouldn't actually get up.

Austin and Dez had been best friends since Austin reached the seventh grade. Dez was a freshman at the time and they had just kind of… clicked. Ally had spent many summers avoiding them. Many summers wishing she could be like them.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 **A.N.**

 **So. The skin color thing. I know it is iffy and doesn't stay true to Ally, but don't worry, this isn't going to be a story about racism.**

 **So. On with my notes to my reviewers.**

 **Guest: Thank you! I really appreciate that you are going to read my others. Don't expect to much though. And don't read the first one. It is bad. Like, "I can't even" when I look at it.**

 **. : Thank you! You made my day!** Thank you for the detailed review. It really helped me write this chapter. I hope I cleared up the Airforce base confusion. It is because there isn't a highschool in her small town, so they go to the closest one, which happens to actually be ON the base. You will also be getting more back story on why she thinks she is so invisible to him in the chapters to come, so stay tuned.

Immafan80: I sure hope so! Lol! Thanks for you review!

Deined23: I am trying to portray that idea. Ally is going to be going on a rollercoaster journey with her weight and her image. I hope I don't disappoint! Also, I am trying to write it one how I have felt, so if there is anything that doesn't seem clear, let me know?!

Alright. Now. I am thinking that updates will be every two to three weeks until Christmas break. I always have lots of homework so hopefully that will be enough time for each chapter. Sorry if I fall out of that rhythm. I am under TONS of stress. Thanks for reading guys.

And once again, leave you opinion, no matter how brutal. Diversity in opinions are what make them such a powerful tool.


	3. To be Asleep

Dreams are nothing more than a figment of the imagination. Sometimes going into overdrive when a particular day inspires images of bleeding necks and ghoulish faces with teeth rotting out. Dreams are the things a person wants to say, but can't.

So they sleep to express what they want to say to the rest of the world. A world which always seems to be teeming with people asleep. People holding back what they think.

Ally's eyes fluttered open for the third time that night, but this time, she wasn't upset, for she was met with the melodic laughter of her mother, coming from outside her door and down the hall. Ally didn't move, not knowing how her mother would react if she saw her. So instead, she closed her eyes again, and listened to Dustin's booming laughter and her mother's angel song mingling together. She imagined her father sitting on the corner sofa, which had holes where Quickly had tried to dig in, smirking at his wife and son.

They would be laughing at Dustin's comical antics, him cracking jokes that weren't really funny and them laughing because they thought the jokes were. Ally knew his secret though. He just restated whatever was being said in an obvious and sarcastic manner. She had to admit, she did find it funny, and had learned well from him, being able to hold her own in a humoristic conversation.

She was envious of Dustin. He didn't have to dream. He was living a daydream, always able to say what was on his mind. She was envious because her mother was in the living room with him and he had been home a matter of hours, and Ally had been trying to wake her up for a month. Trying to shake her out of her constant daze.

She wanted to feel close to them. She wanted to be her mom's baby girl again. Wrapping herself in a blanket, she stepped off her bed, ignoring the fact the Quickly wasn't with her.

That dog loved Dustin more than her.

She positioned herself against her thick metal door, atop a pile of dirty clothing. She leaned her head on the door, and imagined herself out there, with them, next to her mother.

She could go out.

But Dustin hadn't seen them in over a month. It was his time.

 _Story of my life._

* * *

Ally woke up the next morning with a crick in her neck, after having slept on it at an awkward angle all night. Her head arched in what she imagined to be a graceful curve.

Ally looked up at her alarm. The flashing red 12:00 indicated that it had been unplugged last night. Abbey's eyelids slowly closed to create a protective barrier from the alarms visual voice.

It was screaming at her.

The deafening silence of the clock's scream finally forced her eyes to emerge from their shields and fend for themselves against the bleak light filtering through her pink curtains.

Ally bolted up to her feet when she realized what she had just seen. _Outside light._

It was mid-October. The sun wouldn't awake for another three hours.

Widening her eyes, she made eye contact with the timeless face of the life sucking bane of her existence. _Unplugged._

Her glasses were on the window sill, across her bed, as always. But unlike normal, they were visible without the help of her phone flashlight. Frantically searching for her phone without her lenses on, everything was a blur.

It felt like she was in a box when she didn't have her glasses on. Without her glasses, she couldn't see past a foot and a half, creating a box of space where she could see things verses everything that was around her being a blur.

Her hand came in contact with her small rectangular frames and she slammed them on her face, immediately seeing her phone. She jabbed her finger into the home button and it came to life, beeping at her that it had low battery.

* * *

"Ally, what are you doing?"

Ally had an apple hanging out of her mouth. She had showered in record time and threw on some clothes off of her floor, ready to hitch hike the entire way to school, knowing her dad would be at work.

Grabbing the apple, and shifting her textbook ridden book bag higher on her shoulder, she said, "My alarm didn't go off this morning. I have to go to school."

Her father shook his head a rolled his eyes, a disappointed frown permanently etched into his weathered and rough face.

"It is Saturday." She cringed at how stupid she felt. Mentally going over the past week and counting the days, she nodded in agreement.

 _Why would he still be home if it was a school day? Stupid._

"Sorry."

He glared at her. "Go do your homework. You don't do anything anyway. And then clean your room." His eyes traveled the length of her body, his frown setting even deeper into his face. "It's disgusting. And get you crap together. There was a brief power outage last night. What if there had actually been school? But you are too stupid to think of that, aren't you."

Ally bit her tongue, stepping out of the way to let him through the front door. Her eyes burned with months of unshed tears, but she blinked them back, refusing to let him beat her resolve while he watched.

He slammed the thick door, stomping outside like the child he was. She flinched.

Ally sat her bag down on the table, and began to remove her jacket and hat. Unzipping her jacket and then folding it into her arms as if to protect it, she walked back into her room. She closed the door, careful not to make too much noise, seeing as she had heard Alex's snores from across the hall. He must have been here late and didn't want to drive all the way back to base that late.

She slid down it, bowing her head, she let the sobs rip through her body, losing the bet she had made last August to make it till Christmas without a breakdown. It was silly really. He hadn't really been that mean to her. And yet it hurt.

Her shoulders were shaking, but she kept her screams silent, not wanting to disturb her mother or Dustin.

Her tears spread down the sides of her face and into her sideburns and down the sides of her cheeks.

 _There is no reason for this, Ally._

She nodded her head, agreeing blindly again. She squeezed her eyes shut and reminded herself that many people had it much worse. She was just being ungrateful. The sun would shine soon.

And besides, to appreciate sunshine, one has to know what total darkness looks like.

* * *

Ally sat there for hours, running her fingers across the old messages she had written behind her door. She used to pray her parents wouldn't find them, but always hoped they would. Eventually she had scribbled them out with a thick black sharpie.

There was one she had left. She had left it as a reminder. A reminder of where she had been, and where she was now.

It was a simple word. One word that caused so much pain, yet so much hope.

 _Help._

She remembered when she wrote that. She had been twelve years old. Her mother had just begun to really fall into her depression. Ally hadn't notice, for her mother had been depressed for her entire life. But this was different. She didn't want to eat, only wanted to sit and watch TV. She wanted to sleep. It had been her very first Orchestra concert at her middle school.

She came running home, slipping all over the glass like roads, excited to begin getting ready for it. Her mother had been sitting there, on her peeling pleather recliner, watching the TV like a trained dog or a robot.

She hadn't acknowledged Ally's arrival with even a blink, her eyes trained on that screen.

Ally kept smiling though, excited beyond her wits.

"Mommy? Are you coming to my concert tonight?"

Ally didn't really know what she was expecting other than an "Of course, honey." But her mother's eyes had stayed there, on the screen, unflinchingly focused.

"I can't. I have a headache."

Ally could feel her smile drop a small amount but she did her best to keeps it plastered on.

"Oh, that's okay. Feel better Mommy. Can you still curl my hair?"

Ally's mother didn't respond. Ally kept her smile on, scared that it was happening again. She walked into her room and closed the door, seeing her black and white dress splayed across her perfectly made bed, her room smelling of oranges. Her room shook.

Ally would've left her room to greet her father, but the voices came first. The screaming.

And just like that, her life started to repeat itself. Happening over and over again.

She wrote that one word to moment she realized this would be her forever. She forever was to be a peace maker, a wall, a room where they put mental patients.

She was never to be anything more than a buffer zone.

She didn't like to remember her life like that, though. She liked to remember how her father used to always have a fire going in their yard, and they would be outside in T-shirts by the house height flame, no matter how cold it was. She liked to remember the way Dustin and she would write letters in the night using flaming sticks, fresh out of the hot fire. And the way her mother used to always bake casseroles and have dinner ready. And how her father was proud of her. And how her skill on the stupid little violin was acknowledged. Her concerts were a time when they smiled and were proud to be sitting in the audience, and it wasn't a big treat to have her mother there.

She liked to only remember the happy bits.

She liked to think that she was molded by them. That the shadowy areas of her childhood had no effect on how she became, and was now.

But people can think things.

It doesn't make it true.

Ally looked at the word one last time in the form it was in. She turned her head and her eyes came in contact with her Leatherman. Swallowing hard, she grabbed it. Fear filled her. But she knew it was time.

She unfolded it just like she had done those many times before. Cutting down trees for marshmallow sticks, having swards fights with Alex, and using it a protection, sleeping with it under her pillow. She ran her finger along the length of the back of the sharp serrated knife.

Closing her eyes briefly, she brought the knife down on the soft surface and slashed, hitting the sheet rock.

 _No more will I be helpless._

* * *

Ally walked through the halls, her hair loose and swishing back and forth, brushing her shoulders and tangling itself in her large hoop earrings. She was painfully aware of what she was doing, hoping a praying they would buy her excuse. She had her dark blue coat on, zipped and adjusted to her liking when she made it to the front desk. She acted indifferent to the women behind the tall counter, acting as if she did this every day. Ignoring their murmurs of confusion, she pushed open the front doors to the school. She had timed it right. The Jr. High kids would be in lunch right then, so at least she could pretend she was an unfortunate high school student that got stuck in their lunch because her schedule wouldn't permit a normal day.

Snow was swirling in the sky, beating down on the ground, creating a fresh white blanket. Her lips quirked but she kept walking. Where she was going was no smiling matter. Clutching the handle to her violin case, she reminded herself that this was her way out.

The night before, she had looked up exactly how much a plane ticket to get out of there would cost, and decided it would be a better investment to get a car and leave. It would last longer than a document that told the airport she was allowed to buy overpriced McDonalds in safety.

She trudged through the snow, the view of her school was obscured by the rows of houses she was walking through. Trying to make out the house numbers on the sides of the buildings, she finally came to house 376B.

"Here goes nothing." Her breath came out in a white puff, her nose was red, and she thought she probably looked like a homeless person with the way her hair had deflated when it had hit the cold.

She pushed the doorbell on the right side of the door, its little orange light disappearing momentarily. She waited, dancing from one foot to the other, holding her violin to her body.

A thin woman with a blonde soccer mom haircut answered to door decked out in heels and full makeup. "You must be Ally."

Ally didn't miss the woman's obvious sneer that was hard to ignore, but Ally managed a smile anyway. "Yes ma'am."

With one more full body scan and an eye roll, the woman gestured Ally in.

"He's in there. And for goodness sakes, for what we are paying you, you'd better be good."

Ally nodded in appreciation. "I won't let you down. Thank you."

* * *

The bus slid to a stop perfectly perpendicular to her road, only slightly throwing her forward. Cars slid down the road, trying to stop and adhere to the stop sign attached to the left side of the bus, but have a hard time.

Ally stood up, slightly confused at the reason the bus driver decided to stop in time but not wanting to question it. She saw Austin look back at her and shrug when their eyes met. They shuffled off the bus, hearing the kid who usually got off with them due to how far forward they were complain that this was an unscheduled delay. Ally rolled her eyes as she cautiously stepped off the bus, scared the bus driver was going to take off while she was half on the bus in an attempt to rip her limb from limb with the big yellow beast. The bus took off, not waiting for Austin to cross the road, leaving the two of them standing there.

"What's his problem?"

Ally wanted to punch Austin in that moment. Was he that ignorant? Oblivious? That bus driver hated her.

Ally didn't want to yell at him, so she turned and just started walking away.

With two strides on his part, he had caught up. "What's up with you, Miss Black and Blue?"

Ally cringed, having forgotten her nose. It hadn't done anything but hurt all weekend, which was leading her to believe that the nurse was just a jerk.

"Don't poke fun when you're the one who broke it."

Austin's smirk lifted. "It's only 'cause you were trying to kiss me."

Ally stopped in her tracks. His comment wasn't really the problem. She was just angry. "Kiss you, huh?" She let out sarcastically.

He nodded enthusiastically. "You see, the way I figure it, why else would you be leaning in so close to me."

"Kiss you?"

He closed his eyes and nodded, as if exceedingly proud of himself for coming up with this theory.

"Wow. And what did you say? That I was the one who wanted attention. Well, look at you know. You're practically begging for it."

She was aware the moment his face changed, and she immediately regretted not going along with his fanciful stories. "I don't beg, Ally."

She turned to him, her eyebrows raised high, her hands flying, gesturing up and down at his body. "What is this then?"

Austin rolled his eyes. "Human interaction, Ally. Is that unfamiliar to you?"

"I have plenty of human interaction, but generally I try to surround myself with people who can hold an intellectual conversation."

"I am not an idiot. I am actually pretty smart, you know. If you'd just take a chance and listen to one thing I had to say." Austin followed her when she stomped off. She stopped stomping and tried to regain her usual straight necked confidant walk when she thought about how her dad would stomp off when he was mad. She didn't want to look like that. Ever.

Her legs were working hard, keeping her going at a fast gait, while he was leisurely strolling beside her at an infuriatingly slow and calm pace.

"What do you want?!" Her voice raised to a shill screech. "Why are you following me home?"

"Oh, that's easy, Dez said he was going to be there."

She couldn't deny that she was disappointed that this wasn't for her, but once again, and like always, was for her brother.

"Really?" She couldn't hide the change in her tone of voice. "He didn't tell me."

"That's because he is my best friend."

* * *

Ally looked at her phone, noting that it was 2:21. She smiled, turning it face down on the scratched tables in the library at school. Her thick SAT prep book, sat in front of her, untouched, her hand poised to open it having stopped in midair.

 _You have GOT to be kidding me._

And there, in all his football Jersey glory, was Austin, on the floor, wrestling with another primitive caveman. Scoffing she slammed her book open.

He had stayed at her house until almost ten the night before, laughing with HER brother, sitting on HER stop on the couch, eating HER cheesy popcorn, and, most enraging of all, wiping his cheese covered fingers on HER bright green fluffy pajama pants. She had given up and gone to her room, sliding down her door, running her fingers over that word. She listened to them laugh, smiling when she heard his soft laugh in comparison the Dustin's laugh that carried the whole world with it, making everyone laugh with him.

She had woken up there too.

And now, after all day of resenting him and rejoicing that she was staying after school and wouldn't have to see him on the bus, he was here, in HER library.

She flipped a page so quickly and roughly that it tore out halfway, leaving a sad, dangling, wrinkled, and mangled paper left behind. But worst of all was the noise it had made.

Everybody was looking at her. She sat there, feeling like a deer in head lights, with her lips pursed and eyes trained on the ceiling, unwavering in their attempt to block out all the stares she was getting.

 _This can't be happening._

* * *

He sat across the room when he and the barbarians finish their animalistic game on the floor of the place that was supposed to hold sacred and treasured silence.

His blonde head stuck out like a sore thumb. Everybody else in the library was either a brunette, like herself, or had black hair. Those were usually the hair colors of nerd, right?

He was bent over a book, eating a nectarine, the thick juices running down his arms. He didn't even bother to wipe at it. She shuddered at the thought of having those juices running down her arm. Creating a sticky puddle.

She realized her face was scrunched up is disgust when his eyes flickered up to her in a way that seems to practiced, like he was just checking up on her. Making sure she was still there.

When he saw what she was scrunched up over, he smiled and shook the chewed up fruit at her as if celebrating.

 _That's nasty._

Nevertheless, she felt a smile stretch across her face, beaming at him.

 _You're being stupid, Ally._

He took another gnawing bite off of the sad fruit and stood to toss it. When his back was turned, she gathered up her stuff as quickly as she could. As she walked out of the library, she could _feel_ his eyes on her.

But, she decided, he had to be the first to go. The little crush she had retained most of her life had to be purged first. So, if she were to heal, he had to go first. Longing could kill a person.

This was no time for that.

* * *

Ally was walking through the housing, making her way to the base gate, clutching her violin to her chest, hating herself for staying after. Three miles isn't that far, but at below freezing temperatures and the stress of a violin in the cold left her exhausted to moment she stepped out of the school.

She snow was creating trails where her feet dragged slowly through it. Her earphones were blasting music that she didn't even really like, trying to block out the constant noise in her head.

The houses all looked the same. The dull tan color boring itself into her retinas, her walk out of base housing being one of the most boring and cold of her life.

A car pulled up next to her, and she immediately recognized the green jeep. Smiling, she jumped in, beaming and throwing her stuff on the floor. "Finally, I thought I was never-." She stopped midsentence and scowled when she saw who was driving the car. "Why do you have my brother's car?"

Austin smiled. "He gave it to me. He just bought a truck." His head ticked to the side. "Didn't he tell you?"

 _This was going to be mine._

Abby's eyes traveled along the dashboard and up onto the cracked windshield. When Dustin had bought it when he was sixteen, he promised Ally she could have it when he upgraded to "the next best thing."

"He gave it to you." She was nodded and looking out the window, her face contorted in what she imagined to be that equivalent of constipated. "Typical."

Austin smiled slightly. "He told me when he got it that I could have it when he upgraded."

Her mouth agape and her eyes rolling, she sighed.

"He told me the same thing." She watched his expression as it changed to confusion.

"Oh."

She shook her head and smiled at him, trying to hide how she always felt when it came to Dustin and Austin's friendship. "It's okay! At least now I can be as late as I want to the bus and he will keep waiting for you, since you will be driving."

He shook his head and smiled at her. "Yes, Ally. I suppose you can."

Bitter jealousy. That is what she felt when she saw them together.

Absolute, bitter, all-consuming, mind numbing jealousy.

* * *

 _ **HEY GUYS!  
**_

 **Alright, as you probably can tell, I am a couple days early with this chapter. But I was so excited I couldn't hold up! It isn't the best one, but the next one is based off what happens here, and OMG I am so much excite!  
**

 **I am going to try to stick to posting every other Saturday, but if the inspiration hits, I may post sooner.**

 **P.S. If Mikaela is reading this, DON'T JUDGE. I KNOW I SAID I WOULDN'T BUT SHE NEEDS SOME GOSH DARN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT SO I WILL IF NEED BE. Love you!**

 **R &R guys!**


	4. To be happy

_**Sorry for those of you who tried to read the chapter I uploaded. It was pointed out to me that I accidentally uploaded the version I have going on Wattpad. It had all the wrong names but I fixed it. Hope you'll forgive me. :)**_

Ally stared in her father's harsh eyes. They were red with lack of sleep and she could smell rum on his breathe. His hand was poised, ready to strike her left cheek at any moment. She knew he wouldn't, though. He was too much of a coward.

She silently urged him to hit her. Mark her. Bruise her. Something she could take to the authorities. She urged his hand to make the motion it never had before.

Instead his had fell to his side harshly, and he motioned with his head towards her room. "Get the hell out of my face."

"Coward." She whispered it almost silently as she walked by him, that she didn't think there was any way he could have possibly heard her.

She had made it to the door when she heard him heave a sigh. "I do love you Ally. You just need to change some things. You aren't the person I raised you to be."

"You have a real shitty way of showing it, then."

She stomped off to her room like the child she was. She slammed the door as hard as she could, knowing that it would rattle the whole house. She looked around her room for something to throw and break. She saw her mirror with all the markings. It was too large to throw.

Still, as it shattered after the impact from her foot, she was immensely satisfied. The shards of glass stuck out of the brownish blue carpet on her floor, but she left them there. She sat down on her bed and tapped a large shard with her toe.

She leaned down and grabbed the piece and studied it. It has about the size of her palm. She knew what she was tempted to do, but when she glanced at her arms, she shook her head and grabbed her journal from her nightstand drawer. Opening to a new page, she set the shard in it and closed the book.

She was acting like a child and she knew it. "Best to keep your chin up." She told herself.

Her door flew open. Her father's face flashed when he saw the broken glass on the floor. "Don't do something stupid. Suck it up."

 _Right? But Daddy. I'm sad._

"Smile sometime. I paid a lot of money for it."

 _Suck it up._

"Kids have it much worse than you. They are starving, not being educated, and without any love. You have lots of love."

 _Suck it up._

"It's just you. It's all in your head at this point. Not everybody hates you. Get over it."

 _Suck it up. It's all in your head._

"You're a little lying bitch anyway, why would I believe anything you say. I don't think you are in any pain. You want attention."

 _Suck it up. It's all in your head._

"Other kids are involved after school. Sports. Student council. There are options. And you can't even get your homework done."

 _I'm useless._

"Be thankful for all you have."

 _I am._

"I wish I could have given you more."

 _No. I am happy. You are right. I'm sorry._

"Suck it up, Ally. Why can't you do this one thing for me? I don't ask much. I give and I give. You don't do anything I ask. Just do this one thing for me."

He slammed the door, rattling the house, and she listened as his feet stomped out of the house. She glanced at the glass again, shaking her head at her stupidity.

 _Freaking bipolar asshole._ She sat on the floor, letting the little pieces of glass scratch and stab at her legs, and studied the broken shards of her insecurities. Each piece was marked by sharpie.

(Line Break)

Ally hated weekends because it meant she had to be in the same building as her parents for over twelve hours at a time. Her weekends usually consisted of reading and homework, and when she was feeling really sad, practicing on her violin.

But this weekend was turning out different and it was only four pm on Friday. It changed when Austin pulled up in her jeep, and came bounding up the steps to the front door, informing her that she was going to a party under the orders of her brother. He pushed his way into her house and she shut the door after him, slowly trailing behind as he made his way to her room, the only place in the house he had never been allowed to see. But he pushed her door open, not hesitating to throw his weight into it to open it, making her wonder why he knew to do that.

"What exactly are you doing?"

He walked through her room, stepping through her mess, her internally dying as she realized there were a few bras on the floor, and went to her closet.

"I told you. We are going to a party."

He started sifting through her clothes, looking for something. "Where is it?" he whispered under his breathe.

"I never agreed to go."

"Yes, but would you ever disappoint your brother by choice?" He stopped his search to look at her with a raised eyebrow.

Rolling her eyes, she walked over to him. "What do you have in mind?"

He stole a side glance at her and sighed, "Do you remember the dress you wore last year to prom?"

She tried to think about prom, but she had done her best to block out that night. She had worn a blue dress that washed her out and hugged her in all the wrong places and was ugly to begin with. It had ended poorly with her covered in vomit. "I think I got rid of it."

"You what?" He sounded offended.

She shrugged. "I didn't like it very much and it forever would have smelled of vomit."

He narrowed his eyes at her clothes and she ignored him and went to sit on her bed. She picked up her book and continued to read. She leaned against her wall and watched over the top of her book as he went through ever dress he found, contemplating, then moving on to the next.

"You know, you aren't actually allowed to be in my room."

He continued, currently holding an awful black dress that she never had courage to wear. "Yeah, but it's not like anything is going to happen. Why does it matter?"

"I don't know. If my dad gets home, he won't be happy."

"Sucks to your father."

She laughed lightly and returned her attention to her book, trying not to stress about the fact that he could see all of her sizing by just looking at the tag.

"You literally don't have shit."

She nodded along with him and continued reading. "These dresses are all awful."

"Thanks, I try."

He tossed one at her that she didn't even remember buying or seeing ever. "Go try this on."

It looked like a prom dress and she stopped. "What kind of party is this?"

He beamed like only he could. "You'll see."

(Line Break)

She stood in her bathroom and looked at her reflection. It was another blue dress, painfully similar to last prom's dress. Except this one didn't look like it had been purchased at Goodwill. She smiled, spinning a bit, and for a minute, she let herself think she was beautiful. It flowed down to her knees, reminding her of how she used to imagine fairy dressed.

"You almost done, I'm growing old out here." She heard Austin's voice from the living room.

"Coming." She stepped out of the bathroom, still admiring the skirt. "Where did you find this? I don't remember ever buying it." She bounced and twisted in place a little bit to see the skirt move.

When he didn't respond, she looked up to see him with his phone up and a big grin on his face. She heard the click of the camera and he started typing something. She walked over to him, and tried to see the picture and what he was doing, but he clicked it off before she could see.

"So?" She asked, gesturing at her dress.

He shrugged, "I guess you look okay."

She rolled her eyes, because for once, she knew that even he thought she looked pretty.

(Line break)

He ran into his house while she waited in her car. She played with the radio, remembering how she used to imagine this being hers.

He came out in a plaid button up and kakis that she wasn't going to question. He got in the car and checked all of the mirrors about seven times and she silently giggled at how careful he was being with this car.

"So, how did you guys transfer the insurance on this car?"

He smiled as he pulled out of his road and onto the highway, heading for the towns north of them. "We didn't. He is paying his cheaper rate on the jeep and I pay him. WE are counting on me NOT being in a wreck."

She rubbed her temple. "You guys are idiots."

"But you love us anyway."

She stayed silent, not denying or confirming his silly little poke at her. "So, where are we going?"

"I said you would see. Be patient. Patience is a virtue."

"Alright, Mr. Jane Austen."

(Line Break)

Forty minutes later, they pulled into the parking lot of a place she knew well. Chubbs' steak house. It was Dustin's favorite place.

"Is Dustin there? Is that why we are here?" She was near giddy. They hadn't been able to spend any time together because he was always with their parents or Austin, and as much as it irked her that he obviously invited Austin along, if this meant they got to spend some time together, she was okay with anything.

"I told you it would be fun."

"I don't think you ever said that, actually."

She didn't wait for him to get out of the car as she swung out and walked quickly or the building. He had convinced her to wear the same shoes that she had slipped in the day he helped her home. And her hair was pinned up on one side so that it wasn't in her face, all the while feeling horribly overdressed. She started to slip again, having not learned her lesson from the last time she had worn these shoes. Low and behold, he was there to catch her, but this time he didn't struggle to get her up on her feet.

"Told you that you wanted attention."

"I'm going to choose to ignore that comment."

They walked in, her arm linked around his, and made their way through the restaurant to where Dustin and another man were sitting laughing.

"So why did you make me dress up like this. Everyone else is so casual," commenting on Dustin's casual clothing. She felt like she was playing dress up.

They were almost at the table when he leaned down and whispered in her ear, "Because I love that color on you."

She ignored him and the butterflies in her stomach knowing that he was picking on her. After all these years, he still loved to make her feel like crap.

"Hey Dustin!" She sat down next to Austin and his hand immediately rested on her leg as if it was something he did every day. She ignored it, liking the closeness.

"Hey guys, this is my roommate. Eric, this is my sister Ally and my best friend Austin."

She waved at the tall man. He had dark features and intimidated her. Austin didn't seem to like him very much, because he just nodded curtly at him. "Nice to meet you."

He tilted his head in a way that reminded her of Austin. "Likewise. Dustin talks of nothing but you two."

"Oh, really? Well we've never heard about you," Austin let out with a bite in his tone that could pierce skin. "Funny how that works out, huh?"

Dustin furrowed his eye brown and gave Austin an inquisitive look, but Austin shrugged it off.

Eric didn't even acknowledge the comment and looked at Ally, giving her the creeps. "So, how old are you, Ally?"

"17." Honestly? It was good creeps? She kind of liked the attention.

"When do you turn 18?"

Austin cut in before she could say anything. "And how old are you, then?"

Dustin stayed silent and watched the exchange, not commenting on the uncomfortable atmosphere.

(Line Break)

The worst part about the night was Austin's incessant need to touch her. He was making fun of her, she could tell. Because every time he would move his hand around on her leg, he would smirk at her as if it was all a joke. The worst part was that the man laughed after and said he was joking, but nobody was laughing. The worst part was when Eric asked her out and Austin nearly left bruises on her leg when he tensed up at the man's comments. The worst part was that she was upset when they stood up to leave and he stopped touching her. The worst part was the she was tired, and didn't remember the ride home or how she got into her bed nor her pajamas. The worst part, was that she so badly wanted to.

(Line Break)

 _Ally could almost see her mom stand firm in front of her dad as he towered over her, trying to intimidate her. Dustin and Ally were in his room, her in his arms, and him softly reading "The Tale of Despereaux," trying to block out the sound of the yelling. Three hours this had been going on. They were already into the third section of the book after reading it straight. They would flinch when the yelling would get exponentially louder, or when they heard their parents stomping up and down the hallway, throwing things at each other, if not literal objects, word that should never be spoken._

 _"'Can you imagine it? Can you imagine your father selling you for a tablecloth, a hen, and a handful of cigarettes?'"_

 _Just then the whole house rattle with her mother's shrieking yell, "I KNOW. I'M A BURDEN. YOU LOVE TO TELL ME. YOU CHOSE THIS."_

 _Her father growled in reply, "No, Anne, I didn't. I settled for you because nobody else could ever want you. You lucky to have me."_

 _"HOW AM I LUCKY?!" Her voice held a desperation in it that she never ever wanted to hear. "YOU TELL ME EVERY DAY THAT I'M USELESS. YOU TELL ME HOW YOU WORK AND I DO NOTHING. YOU LOVE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT."_

 _"Why are you yelling? I thought we were just going to have a talk. Don't yell at me."_

 _Her mom laughed a humorless laugh and she could imagine her shaking her head in defeat. "Shut the hell up. You have no idea. You live in your own world where everything revolves around you. I'm done. If you want me to go, that's what I'll do."_

 _Ally became aware of Dustin's reading again, and noticed how he had raised his voice louder. "'Your ma's dead?'_

 _'Yes,' said the Pea. 'She died just last month.' She bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling."_

 _The door burst open and her dad came barging in. He ripped the book from Dustin's clutches and flung it across the room. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce."_

 _There was a clock in Dustin's room. An old fashioned one with a second hand. She let herself tune out, and listen to the tick, popping a single knuckle every time the little second hand moved._

 _ **If you still accept me as a human after my mistakes and eh writing, review to make my day? Please?**_


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